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My Journal: Wednesday, November 08, 2006
My Journal: Tuesday, July 25, 2006
so as with most of north america, here in ontario, we are having a bit of a heat wave... so i thought i'd share some tips that i have started to use....
1) for those of you in the states... purchase a celcius thermometer... rarely is that thing going to go over 35 degrees...
2) heat rises... so find a hole and crawl into it... or fall into a well. just be sure that you can escape said well, because i'm not fishing your ass out.
3) if at all possible, cause the sun to collapse upon itself and form a black hole. sure this may not be a great long term plan, but what the hell... i'm hot damn it.
4) if you absolutely must have sex... be sure to make the bitch do all the work.
5) close the shades on the sunny side of your house during the day. well, that one is more just for the old folks home accross the way.. and not really for heat.. i'm just sick of seeing your old wrinkly asses.
6) avoid alcoholic beverages... expecially if you are at my house you cheep f*ck.. bring your own. i'msick of your mooching.
7) if you have to go out in the sun, avoid wearing clothes (this one only applies to certain members of the population... such as the girl who lives in 301 in my building and other similarly built female specimins.)
8) if and when you pass out during your walk home from the bar, be sure to fall asleep either under a park bench, or plan on getting up before the sun rises.
9) when leaving a child or animal in the car while parked... be sure to check in on it every 30 minutes or so to baste and/or rotate to ensure its evenly cooked.
10) when chatting up people at the bar, its best to let certain things slide into the conversation such as, "so whereabouts is your cottage?", "god i'd love to be alone with you in a bedroom with some airconditioning", and "its not contageous right?". (the last one is not really for heat...)
so i hope that helps some of you... oh, as a note.. if anyone is swinging by my place to visit... better give me some warning because i'll be buck nekkid in front of a fan...
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Published by tooscoops: 1:52 PM
Updated On: 7/31/2006 at 5:35 PM
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ruminations: Wednesday, July 05, 2006
this morning on the way into work i heard about an interesting story... it involved a couple... drinking... driving.. and missing arms.
it would seem that this drunk couple had a fight and the man left the girl on the side of the road... in a few minutes, he felt some remorse and went back to pick her up. she was still where he left her only sitting down in the ditch.... and, this is the kicker,... she was missing her arm. it was nowhere to be seen. the lady apparently had no idea what happened and didn't even know it was gone.
this just amazes me. i have been very drunk before as many of you know. and i have lost many things... my glasses, my house, my dignity, my virginity... but an arm?.. come on now! thats crazy! even when i lost my dignity, i knew when it was happening... how drunk do you have to be before you don't notice something like your arm being cut off?! i actually looked it up on the internet to see if there was more to the story, only to find multiple cases involving the words "drunk", "loses", and "arm"... but at least all those ones knew what was happening to them... be it feeding cookies to polar bears in the zoo while intoxicated, or attempting to get on a train and getting caught in the door... at least they cried out and knew that something was wrong. in this case... there aren't even any charges laid because there is absolutely nothing known about the incident... this case is so nuts that the cops don't even seem to care that the whole incident involves a drunk couple, getting into their car after the bar and driving away... last i checked.. that wasn't quite allowed. in this case it seems they are just thinking.. "oh, what the f*ck.. the crazy bitch lost her arm. i am not telling her she now has a drunk driving charge. i'd have to take off both her legs before she stopped coming at me..."
so let that be a lesson to you kids out there... if you are going to get wasted, always two fist it. that way at least you'll notice if you lose a limb... plus, you always seem to know who took your beer while drunk, so at least you should be able to track down that limb... oh, and as a tip... put the arm in the cooler or next to the keg while you finish drinking... then, maybe they can reattach it when you get around to swinging by the hospital the next day.. if you have time that is.
My Journal: Monday, June 26, 2006
wooo whoo world cup!!!!
wait... why am i cheering that much?
i guess its just because i am north american that i don't really care all that much... soccer, or, 'futbal' or 'the boring football' is a world wide sport that other countries can kick canada's ass in. i'm sure much of my lack of interest in the sport is what you would call 'sour grapes'... but for me... soccer just doesn't do it. to find a north american parallel to the sport, what you have to do is put american football and cross it with hockey... remove all the scoring, fast pace and body contact and there ya go!!! soccer! those three things to me are what makes a sport enjoyable...
don't get me wrong about the athletes... they are in top form. after all, they'd better be... the sport pretty much is kicking and chasing... kicking and chasing... that takes a lot out of you. it actually makes me understand why the other two things that players do besides kick and chase is dive and fake injuries... hell... i would be too if i meant i got to take a damn break.
one thing i can say is that the fans are damn impressive... they cheer hard. whether their team wins or loses (usually by a score of one-nil) they go hard... set the stadium on fire, riot and trample people to death, shoot a player... well.. the last one is generally only if they lose. the first two... meh... win or lose.
well.. now that we are getting a little further on most people are realizing the true reason canadians don't mind following the sport... we get to see something that the US doesn't dominate. back to that original woo whooo!!!! 
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Published by tooscoops: 5:34 PM
Updated On: 6/26/2006 at 5:47 PM
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My Journal: Thursday, June 22, 2006
hey there!
i've been neglecting my blogs lately.. sorry bout that. i'm sure you are all doing just fine without hearing me rant about work, drinking or women... who wants to hear all that eh?
but yeah... over the last while, i've realized that my job isn't really all that fun... well.. parts of it are. i get to drive cool cars, i have a lot of freedoms, and there is no heavy lifting. not bad! but i'm in car sales... generally, i'm looked down upon, people think i am automatically a liar, and i have to put in too many hours to make any decent cash.
plus, lately i've had to deal with some customers that i swear are taking years off my life. man... i didn't build the damn thing! i'm sorry if something went wrong after a few years, but f*ck!!! i already spent the whopping 150 bucks i made off the sale after spending 40 hours trying to find the right vehicle for you!! plus... YOU picked it! all i did was get you a good deal on it! heh... goofs.
i'm thinking i should just go get a job selling booze or something.. i like booze as much as cars... maybe more! plus, i have experience.. and no, not just drinking. i used to work at the liquor control board of ontario... hmmm.. this is sounding better! don't know about giving up the free cars, insurance and gas though... maybe i'll get some free booze...
man.... i would have to drink a lot of free booze to be the equivelent of a car, insurance and gas... but i'm up for it!.. maybe if i see you around, i'll even get you a drink or two... i'll even hold the roofies.
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Published by tooscoops: 9:17 AM
Updated On: 6/22/2006 at 9:17 AM
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My Journal: Thursday, June 01, 2006
well, i finally get time off work! for those of you in the forums or on msn chating with me, you know that i am online a lot... and you'd probably also know that i don't even own a computer... therefore, when i'm on-line, i'm at work. in other words........ i work a lot. (or more to the point, i'm AT work a lot) but this weekend?.. nope. i'm done at 3pm on thursday and don't have to come back in till monday morning. since i usually work saturdays as well as weekdays.. this is a big break for me... i love it. so whats the plan you might ask?... and if you don't ask... f*ck you i'm telling you anyways! tonight is a poker tournament in which i plan on winning lots of money, until that point where i realize i am extremely drunk and everyone else who has to work tomorrow morning is still sober.. at that point, calling all in on a 2-7 off suit will seem like a great idea. after that, i will probably curl up into a ball under the table and pass out.  tomorrow i have a round of golf scheduled... its at the course where last time i played, the ranger said i looked like a big ******. well.. that was real nice of him.. so i plan on dressing even more gay this time. just to see what he says.. maybe i'll ask him on a date. god i'm glad i'm comfortable enough with my masculinity... because hey.. i'm NOT gay... but my boyfriend is a flaming homo.  after that, its off the barrie to drink more and act like an idiot... i don't want to get too wasted because i have to get up the next morning and go to a wedding... now this should be a classy wedding.. the bride has asked me to wear a tuxedo t-shirt... she is serving hot dogs and hamburgers... and we are staying in tents. all class! should be one big gong show. i'll try to let you know how that goes.. i think i'd better bring my camera.... plus, i was just talking with the bride to be and she is thinking the whole wedding might be a mistake! uh oh... a little late for that! she says she still loves him though, so hey... thats like the third best reason to get married.... besides money and pregnancy of course.  sunday.. yet another golf game, so i'll see what kind of outfit i can wrangle up for that one.. as i say... i'll have my camera, so i'll take some pics... hope all you sluts and a**holes have yourself a great weekend! at least you won't have to put up with me for a few days! peas and carrots!
My Journal: Thursday, May 25, 2006
so, as many people know... i have bought a new condo... i think its a great place! i have lately been spending way too much money on it and making it look nice and feel like home. each time i take a look around it, i feel that pride of ownership thing. it makes me so happy to be away from my parents and out living on my own. especially since i bought it.. i know own something!! (so what that it will take 25 years to pay off!). that brings up my next point.... i want to move! yep... after getting possesion of the condo on april 1st, i already want to move. not because i don't like it or anything... but as soon as i signed the stuff... i started to plant roots down... i didn't like that feeling. though secure and all that, it means i have grown up... matured. and anyone who knows me, knows that that just won't do! so after going to telus and seeing parts of bc... i think i might need to take a sebbatical and live there for a period of time.. maybe not all that long, but just a bit of time... just to clear my head and give me a new perspective.... so what do you guys think.... bc?  or ontario? 
My Journal: Wednesday, May 03, 2006
so i am slow.. i still don't have any of my pics up from whistler... i figure i might as well wait. so many other people have great pictures up now, so really no point in mine at the moment. i'll finally put mine up when people are starting to forget about some of what happened on the trip. it will be a little refresher course in debauchery! the only hints i'll give you about my pics are that they include clevage shots... (some hairy, some not) and that there are a couple pictures that are horrifying. (for a few people who know what i am talking about... frank... in his boxers...)
since so many people have great pictures, i have helped myself to steal some of them! hopefully none of you have copywrited them or anything! i'd hate to get a fine for taking a picture that i was probably either in or took myself... so yeah.
i keep thinking about doing a new blog about certain things in the current media... but i feel like doing that is pushing telus out of my mind... and i don't want to do that! so screw you all! for all of you who come to read my blog for its entertainment purposes... f*ck you!! haha! all i'm going to do is brag in this one!! look at me!!!! i have two hot girls on my arms!!! i win!!
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Published by tooscoops: 8:07 AM
Updated On: 5/3/2006 at 8:08 AM
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My Journal: Tuesday, April 25, 2006
jeez... whether it was dancing with my pants down, hurting myself checking out girls asses, getting too drunk in the hot tub, looking super classy at the photo showdown or just plain great riding.... i'd have to say i had one hell of a time out in whistler. i finally got to meet so many of the people out there that i talk to on here it was great. to anyone who said it was crazy to go out and stay with a bunch of people i 'don't know'... screw you!! haha! all my friends i have met on here have been great and have been at least as cool as their online personalities portray them to be. hell, some of them i already miss quite a bit.... its just nice to know that after all the crap you hear about people meeting on the internet, that its still possible to meet like-minded people who aren't nut-bags on here! i didn't figure i would be the only 45 year old balding fat guy who lives in my parents basement... luckily, the ladies out in whistler like that kind of thing...
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